!!Beerboy1 Calling BeerboyMothership, Come In Mothership!!
“Mike Irone and the Free Beer”
Let me tell you about a friend of David the con man’s—Mike Irone. Ever have that dream where you’re out in public and suddenly realize you’re naked? Many people find that a scary dream. Mike Irone, David’s friend? Mike doesn’t find the naked dream scary because 2 or 3 times a week when he’s awake and out in public it happens to him—he suddenly realizes he’s naked! This usually happens after spending considerable time in a pub. So what dream does scare Mike? That would be the dream “Mike Irone and the Free Beer”.
The dream always starts like this. Mike is home alone. The temperature is over 100. He is sitting on his couch, staring at the empty beer bottle on the coffee table. That was his last beer. He feels okay right then, but knows that in 10 minutes the beer lust will be biting again. What to do?
Suddenly the doorbell rings. Mike opens the door, and a cute young naked blonde stands there, smiling at him. Mike immediately notices that behind her are (quick count) 12 cases of Deschutes Mirror Pond Pale Ale.
The naked blonde points to the beer, while still smiling, and says that she is with the Obama campaign, an ACORN volunteer wanting to know if Mike is registered to vote. If Mike can answer one question, all the beer (that’s ALL the beer) is his for free, thanks of Obama. What’s the question-- how many boobs does she have?
This is where the dream gets scary for Mike. The blonde has to repeat the question. Mike has been fixated on the cases of beer ever since he heard the words “Free Beer”. When he heard the words ‘Free Beer” he instantly understood why he had been born, he understood his purpose in life, he understood why he woke up that morning: he must figure out how many boobs the blonde has, and get the free beer.
So, Mike gives the naked blonde ACORN volunteer another quick look. How many boobs does she have--it would seem at first to be an easy answer: two. There’s one boob on his left with “Oba” written on it. Then on the other side of her chest there’s this other boob with “ma” written on it. That’s one boob named “Oba”, and one boob named “ma”. Mike quickly thought back to grade school: 1+1=2. Could the answer be that simple? Was he being tricked? There was only one way to find out. Mike looked the blonde square in the eyes and said “Two”. The blonde excitedly jumped up and down shaking her two boobs. Yes, Mike had answered correctly! The beer was his!
As the blonde walked down the sidewalk to the next house Mike excitedly carried the cases inside. Should he take each case first in to the living room, or all the way into the kitchen? No, the beer must be taken quickly into the living room, then when all the beer is SAFELY inside with the door closed and locked, and then he can move the cases at his leisure into the kitchen. He must first get them inside before the neighbor kids steal them off the porch.
With the cases all safely in the living room (and the front door locked) Mike did a quick check of the house, making sure all the doors and windows are locked, and that the neighbor kids are not hiding any where in the house. The neighborhood kids have, unfortunately, discovered that Mike keeps beer in his house. More than once Mike’s seen kids running down the street carrying his beer! So, now, with the house secured Mike can now sit down and enjoy his first free beer courtesy of Obama!
This is where the dream starts to get real scary. Mike goes to the drawer where he keeps his beer bottle openers, he opens the drawer, and it’s empty!! Mike looks at the label on the outside of the drawer: “Beer Bottle Openers”. Yes, he has the right drawer, but there are no openers!! Within 5 minutes Mike has ransacked the house, but cannot find any openers!
Mike starts to get that feeling, that feeling that life is scary, mean and empty. Then he starts to feel panic creeping in. Mike fights off the panic and forces himself to find an answer. Yes, that’s it: the convenience store 7 blocks away! He can buy an opener there!
Standing on the front porch Mike carefully locks the door, making very sure that it is locked. Then he warily looks around, to see if there is any sign of the neighbor kids. He doesn’t see them.
Running down the street Mike passed the blonde, standing on another porch. She was smiling and pointing at 12 cases of beer while a man standing in the open doorway stared at her boobs, while counting on his fingers. Mike waved at her and kept running.
Breathlessly he entered the store, and there, right on a rack by the cash register, are openers! Mike reached for his wallet to pay and---wait, his wallet wasn’t there. He had left his wallet at home! He can picture right where it is, on the kitchen table!
Again Mike ran down the sidewalk, this time toward his home. He unlocked the door, and rushed into the kitchen. “Hi, Mike!” It’s the two neighbor kids, Joe and Bill!
“Wow, great beer, Mike”, says Bill. “Yeah”, said Joe. And to Mike’s surprise they each hold in their right hand an open beer! There are also 14 empty beer bottles on the table, Deschutes Mirror Pond Pale Ale empties. They had snuck in like they usually do when Mike was gone, to drink his beer, but today he didn’t mind, because they had brought a bottle opener! “Quick,” said Mike picking up an unopened beer, “let me use your opener.”
Joe looked Mike in the eyes and said, “Not ever in a million years, go get your own opener”. Then Bill looked at Mike and said, “Yeah, me too”.
Mike was horrified. What should he do? If he stayed home he could prevent Joe and Bill from drinking anymore of his free Obama beer, but he can’t drink any. If he leaves to get an opener, Joe and Bill would have all the beer drunk before he got home. What could Mike do?
Don’t worry, this nightmare of a dream has a happy ending. Every time Mike has this dream he wakes up right at this point. And he finds himself alone in his house, in the living room, with 12 full cases of microbrew beer and a bottle opener. How, and why? Mike has never bothered to try and figure that out. Some things are better left alone.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Rat Wool Sweaters
!!Beerboy1 Calling BeerboyMothership, Come In Mothership!!
Rat Wool Sweaters—Thanks to Jack Lord!
The internet—next day air shipping—PayPal—all of these are just a few examples of innovations changing the definition of selling to your next door neighbor. Your literal next door neighbor might not want to buy what you sell. But you ‘internet, next day air shipping, PayPal neighbors? You bet, there’s lots of them—even if what you’re selling is sweaters made from rat hair, or ‘rat wool’—as my PR firm has advised I call it!
Yes, that’s right rat wool. Not cashmere, virgin sheep’s wool, or rayon. In the Western world rats are usually looked down at as low life scavenging germ spreaders only good for use in laboratories for testing drugs. In some SE Asian countries, however, rats are seen as symbols of prosperity and good luck. In those countries my rat wool sweaters are selling like hot cakes!
Okay, the market didn’t exist before me, I invented it. And, you may ask, ‘How much of a scam is this?’ Is he just taking laundry dryer lint and making sweaters, and calling that ‘genuine 100% virgin rat wool’? No, I guarantee we use genuine 100% rat hair. This is how the process works.
First I hand-wash each rat. I got 500 out in the meadow behind the barn. I imported black rock cobras from Northern India to protect my rat herd from predators. I even put up microphones and loud speakers so the snake hissing rattles all over the meadow. I turn the volume up real loud! You bet that keeps predators, human and otherwise away from my rat herd.
Then, before the rat dries too quickly, I strap the rat into a special custom clothes dryer. Inside the drying chamber tiny, tiny replicas of airline seats have been bolted down. Me and my assistants quickly fill the seats with wet rats. Then we set the dryer to run for 20 minutes. Don’t worry about the rats getting too hot. We’ve figured out that piping in a recording of Jack Lord singing “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” into the dryer negates the effects of the heat on the rats.
After 20 minutes the beeper sounds and the dryer stops. The rats are smart enough to figure out how to get out of the seat straps, so all you have to do is leave the dryer door open. Once out the rats rush back to the feed barn where they know a big dish of watermelon washed in their favorite merlot wait.
While the rats are unbuckling, I’m busy with the laundry lint trap. The trap collects the rat hair. Weaving the hair is easy, using the George Forman Rodent Hair sweater grill adapter that can be used with his burger grill.
Then I take pics and put them up on the website. So far, so good—they’ve been selling great!
Rat Wool Sweaters—Thanks to Jack Lord!
The internet—next day air shipping—PayPal—all of these are just a few examples of innovations changing the definition of selling to your next door neighbor. Your literal next door neighbor might not want to buy what you sell. But you ‘internet, next day air shipping, PayPal neighbors? You bet, there’s lots of them—even if what you’re selling is sweaters made from rat hair, or ‘rat wool’—as my PR firm has advised I call it!
Yes, that’s right rat wool. Not cashmere, virgin sheep’s wool, or rayon. In the Western world rats are usually looked down at as low life scavenging germ spreaders only good for use in laboratories for testing drugs. In some SE Asian countries, however, rats are seen as symbols of prosperity and good luck. In those countries my rat wool sweaters are selling like hot cakes!
Okay, the market didn’t exist before me, I invented it. And, you may ask, ‘How much of a scam is this?’ Is he just taking laundry dryer lint and making sweaters, and calling that ‘genuine 100% virgin rat wool’? No, I guarantee we use genuine 100% rat hair. This is how the process works.
First I hand-wash each rat. I got 500 out in the meadow behind the barn. I imported black rock cobras from Northern India to protect my rat herd from predators. I even put up microphones and loud speakers so the snake hissing rattles all over the meadow. I turn the volume up real loud! You bet that keeps predators, human and otherwise away from my rat herd.
Then, before the rat dries too quickly, I strap the rat into a special custom clothes dryer. Inside the drying chamber tiny, tiny replicas of airline seats have been bolted down. Me and my assistants quickly fill the seats with wet rats. Then we set the dryer to run for 20 minutes. Don’t worry about the rats getting too hot. We’ve figured out that piping in a recording of Jack Lord singing “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” into the dryer negates the effects of the heat on the rats.
After 20 minutes the beeper sounds and the dryer stops. The rats are smart enough to figure out how to get out of the seat straps, so all you have to do is leave the dryer door open. Once out the rats rush back to the feed barn where they know a big dish of watermelon washed in their favorite merlot wait.
While the rats are unbuckling, I’m busy with the laundry lint trap. The trap collects the rat hair. Weaving the hair is easy, using the George Forman Rodent Hair sweater grill adapter that can be used with his burger grill.
Then I take pics and put them up on the website. So far, so good—they’ve been selling great!
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Labs on Prozac
The call has gone out from Washington, from Obama and former President Hillary Clinton, that we US citizens, members of the ‘village’ of the United States, need to band together during this tough time. As unemployment numbers rise, we need to be creative, and think of ways to help our fellow US villagers. So, here is my contribution. I’ll explain how you to can use Prozac to con your neighbors for big money!
It goes like this. First you find a well to do neighborhood. You’re looking for people with lots of loose cash. Then you prowl the neighborhood and look a house harboring an overly friendly dog, like, say, a Labrador. For the dog to work as a target it will need to spend time alone outside, like in the backyard.
Then this is where the Prozac comes in. Get some ground beef, and mix the powder from several capsules of Prozac in with the meat. Then when the dog is outside, call the dog over to the fence. Get the meat-Prozac to the dog.
Not long after the dog munches the Prozac laden meat, the dog will get extremely friendly. Imagine a Lab on Prozac! Labs have gotten so friendly anyway that they are close to being dangerous as pets. So, a Lab on Prozac? Yeah, you can just picture what that would look like, right?
Keep this up for a few days. Then, early one morning you blanket the neighborhood with some flyers. These need to be the cheap homemade put somewhat professional looking kind of flyers that homeowners are used to finding on their doorsteps. What does the flyer say? It advertises you as a dog psychologist!
You need to hit every house on the block, not just the house with the Lab. It would be suspicious if you only leafleted the house with the recently freaking out dog.
Well, dear readers, if this were a David the con man story, I’d add lots more details. But, insiders like you, well, I know you can pull this off without me explaining every detail. Do this right and you’ll make lots of money!
It goes like this. First you find a well to do neighborhood. You’re looking for people with lots of loose cash. Then you prowl the neighborhood and look a house harboring an overly friendly dog, like, say, a Labrador. For the dog to work as a target it will need to spend time alone outside, like in the backyard.
Then this is where the Prozac comes in. Get some ground beef, and mix the powder from several capsules of Prozac in with the meat. Then when the dog is outside, call the dog over to the fence. Get the meat-Prozac to the dog.
Not long after the dog munches the Prozac laden meat, the dog will get extremely friendly. Imagine a Lab on Prozac! Labs have gotten so friendly anyway that they are close to being dangerous as pets. So, a Lab on Prozac? Yeah, you can just picture what that would look like, right?
Keep this up for a few days. Then, early one morning you blanket the neighborhood with some flyers. These need to be the cheap homemade put somewhat professional looking kind of flyers that homeowners are used to finding on their doorsteps. What does the flyer say? It advertises you as a dog psychologist!
You need to hit every house on the block, not just the house with the Lab. It would be suspicious if you only leafleted the house with the recently freaking out dog.
Well, dear readers, if this were a David the con man story, I’d add lots more details. But, insiders like you, well, I know you can pull this off without me explaining every detail. Do this right and you’ll make lots of money!
SeabirdJoJo
Seabirdjojo, as soon as I figure out how to reply to a post I'll respond to you. gee, it's complicated!!!
Monday, June 22, 2009
Logical Hair Cut?
The new Star Trek movie is great. But what's with this haircut style of the Vulcan men? Vulcan men are supposed to be ultra logical--so that dorkish hair style of theirs must be the most 'logical' men's hair style in the universe, right? No way!!...
Hair Health
On the serious side, I've mentioned that I'm a big fan of alternative medicine. I've got many books that medical pracitioners use, and take over 50 pills, tabs, powders, etc., a day--so you can see I'm serious about alternative medicine...So, a thought came to me the other day--'I wonder if one reason women live longer than men is because women take better care of their hair?'...Women will take mineral and vitamin supplements for hair. These supplements end up supplying more nutrients for other parts of the body than just hair. Also, hormonal imbalance can cause hair loss, and women are far more likely to seek to correct these imbalances than men--often times to keep their hair looking good, but ultimately adding to overall health...
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Obama Underground Railroad
Beerboy1 Calling BeerboyMothership! Come in Mothership!!
Remember that controversy over Obama’s train trip to Washington DC for his inauguration, the trip that retraced the train trip Abraham Lincoln took to Washington for his inauguration? Will, that controversy is small to what would have happened if Obama had followed the advice of some in his PR department. Some PR friends working in Hollywood. Obama turned them down. Why? The PR people told him to get to Washington for the inauguration by using the Underground Railroad!
This would have been a modern updating of the Underground Railroad. The proposed plan would have had Obama dressed up as a McDonald’s employee. He would have been followed to a McDonald’s in Atlanta by a CNN news team. The McDonald’s happens to be built over the ruins of a mansion that housed a stop along the original underground railroad. The radical left considers McDonald’s to be the modern equivalent for blacks of a slave plantation.
The plan was for Obama to walk in without any secret service and pretend he was a regular employee. The CNN team would have arrived several minutes earlier and pretended to be doing a news piece unrelated to Obama. Obama would have worked a few minutes taking orders, and then slipped back by the French fry vat. Under the vat is a trap door leading to a tunnel in the foundation of the old mansion.
After Obama was sure the door could be opened he would make the secret CNN hand signal to a black woman CNN employee working in disguise in the backroom. The woman would have video taped Obama going down into the tunnel. Several of the other black McDonald’s workers would have been encouraged to follow Obama. Why? At that point Obama would have revealed who he really was.
Unfortunately the real tunnel doesn’t go very far any more. So, the PR team had made an arrangement with some of their Hollywood movie friends. The movie team had made special effects recreating important stops along the old Underground Railroad system. Fortunately for Obama’s PR team many of these old stops are now covered by McDonald’s restaurants. This would make it easy to continue incorporating the slave plantation and McDonald’s-as-modern-slave-plantation themes.
CNN had planned at this point to issue a ‘Breaking News’ report. They would have shown what I described above. Then they would have cut to a McDonald’s in Washington, DC. This McDonald’s has an Underground Railroad tunnel coming up in the men’s rest room. Obama would have burst out of the trap door, still dressed in his McDonald’s uniform. From there he would have driven to the Inauguration Ceremony. While dressed in the McDonald’s uniform, and wearing slave shackles, he would have begun his speech “Free at last, free at last, thank God, I’m finally free at last from taking French fry orders!”
While Obama himself thought this was a wonderful idea, fortunately his wife Michelle did not. So, this plan lays in wait on a shelf somewhere...
Remember that controversy over Obama’s train trip to Washington DC for his inauguration, the trip that retraced the train trip Abraham Lincoln took to Washington for his inauguration? Will, that controversy is small to what would have happened if Obama had followed the advice of some in his PR department. Some PR friends working in Hollywood. Obama turned them down. Why? The PR people told him to get to Washington for the inauguration by using the Underground Railroad!
This would have been a modern updating of the Underground Railroad. The proposed plan would have had Obama dressed up as a McDonald’s employee. He would have been followed to a McDonald’s in Atlanta by a CNN news team. The McDonald’s happens to be built over the ruins of a mansion that housed a stop along the original underground railroad. The radical left considers McDonald’s to be the modern equivalent for blacks of a slave plantation.
The plan was for Obama to walk in without any secret service and pretend he was a regular employee. The CNN team would have arrived several minutes earlier and pretended to be doing a news piece unrelated to Obama. Obama would have worked a few minutes taking orders, and then slipped back by the French fry vat. Under the vat is a trap door leading to a tunnel in the foundation of the old mansion.
After Obama was sure the door could be opened he would make the secret CNN hand signal to a black woman CNN employee working in disguise in the backroom. The woman would have video taped Obama going down into the tunnel. Several of the other black McDonald’s workers would have been encouraged to follow Obama. Why? At that point Obama would have revealed who he really was.
Unfortunately the real tunnel doesn’t go very far any more. So, the PR team had made an arrangement with some of their Hollywood movie friends. The movie team had made special effects recreating important stops along the old Underground Railroad system. Fortunately for Obama’s PR team many of these old stops are now covered by McDonald’s restaurants. This would make it easy to continue incorporating the slave plantation and McDonald’s-as-modern-slave-plantation themes.
CNN had planned at this point to issue a ‘Breaking News’ report. They would have shown what I described above. Then they would have cut to a McDonald’s in Washington, DC. This McDonald’s has an Underground Railroad tunnel coming up in the men’s rest room. Obama would have burst out of the trap door, still dressed in his McDonald’s uniform. From there he would have driven to the Inauguration Ceremony. While dressed in the McDonald’s uniform, and wearing slave shackles, he would have begun his speech “Free at last, free at last, thank God, I’m finally free at last from taking French fry orders!”
While Obama himself thought this was a wonderful idea, fortunately his wife Michelle did not. So, this plan lays in wait on a shelf somewhere...
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
!!Beerboy1 calling BeerboyMothership, come in Mothership!!
Hi Folks! Some of you have asked how I support myself. So, here is how I do it--it has to do with being a pet rat owner. Or, more specifically, owner of rats that were former Federal laboratory research rats. All of my rats have been former federal laboratory research rats that came to live with me after their working careers were finished. As Federal employees the rats qualify for life insurance--$500,000 worth! And rats live at the most up to 4 years. I do love my dear rats, really, I do. When each one dies I am heartbroken. The $500,000 the Federal government gives me each time one of my dear rats dies can not possibly make up for the loss of my dear gone pet. But, the money does help. So far in the past 4 years 26 of my former Federal employee rats have died. Yes, you are correct, that is a lot of grief to go through. So, you can easily imagine that the $13 million dollars I've received has been little consolation. Still, the money does help...
Hi Folks! Some of you have asked how I support myself. So, here is how I do it--it has to do with being a pet rat owner. Or, more specifically, owner of rats that were former Federal laboratory research rats. All of my rats have been former federal laboratory research rats that came to live with me after their working careers were finished. As Federal employees the rats qualify for life insurance--$500,000 worth! And rats live at the most up to 4 years. I do love my dear rats, really, I do. When each one dies I am heartbroken. The $500,000 the Federal government gives me each time one of my dear rats dies can not possibly make up for the loss of my dear gone pet. But, the money does help. So far in the past 4 years 26 of my former Federal employee rats have died. Yes, you are correct, that is a lot of grief to go through. So, you can easily imagine that the $13 million dollars I've received has been little consolation. Still, the money does help...
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
!!Beerboy1 calling Beerboymothership, come in Mothership!!
Some of you have asked what I read. I read non-fiction. The 3 main categories I like to read about are alternative medicine, alternative history and Eastern orthodoxy. I also read myth, folklore, history, and ancient history. Some recent books I've read are Nazi International, The Templar's Legacy in Montreal, and Miracles in the Last Days.
Some of you have asked what I read. I read non-fiction. The 3 main categories I like to read about are alternative medicine, alternative history and Eastern orthodoxy. I also read myth, folklore, history, and ancient history. Some recent books I've read are Nazi International, The Templar's Legacy in Montreal, and Miracles in the Last Days.
Monday, June 15, 2009
VAMPIRE ALERT!!
You've seen Suzanne Somers on TV, pushing all those health supplements, eating right, and her books. Guess what? The editors at this blog just got a scoop--Suzanne Somers is actually not an extreme health fanatic, but a vampire! That's why she looks like she's 18 instead of 62! Her eternal fountain of youth is blood, not Vitamin C. Suzanne just pretends to be into health foods as a cover story for why she looks so young!
You've seen Suzanne Somers on TV, pushing all those health supplements, eating right, and her books. Guess what? The editors at this blog just got a scoop--Suzanne Somers is actually not an extreme health fanatic, but a vampire! That's why she looks like she's 18 instead of 62! Her eternal fountain of youth is blood, not Vitamin C. Suzanne just pretends to be into health foods as a cover story for why she looks so young!
!!This is Beerboy1 calling BeerboyMothership--This is Beerboy1 calling BeerboyMothership--Come in Mothership!!
June 11
The first draft of the David the Con Man novel is done--over 73,000 words! When the manuscript is done the word count will be between 80,000-100,000. Now my PR man, Burke Allen will get me in touch with freelance fiction editors he has worked with. Once we determine the best editor for the project, then I'll get the manuscript done. Then Burke will find me an agent. I'll keep all of you posted...
All Blog posts by Skip McRobert copyright by Skip McRobert, 2009
June 11
The first draft of the David the Con Man novel is done--over 73,000 words! When the manuscript is done the word count will be between 80,000-100,000. Now my PR man, Burke Allen will get me in touch with freelance fiction editors he has worked with. Once we determine the best editor for the project, then I'll get the manuscript done. Then Burke will find me an agent. I'll keep all of you posted...
All Blog posts by Skip McRobert copyright by Skip McRobert, 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)