Mike Ironne and the Free Beer

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“Mike Irone and the Free Beer”

Let me tell you about a friend of David the con man’s—Mike Irone. Ever have that dream where you’re out in public and suddenly realize you’re naked? Many people find that a scary dream. Mike Irone, David’s friend? Mike doesn’t find the naked dream scary because 2 or 3 times a week when he’s awake and out in public it happens to him—he suddenly realizes he’s naked! This usually happens after spending considerable time in a pub. So what dream does scare Mike? That would be the dream “Mike Irone and the Free Beer”.
The dream always starts like this. Mike is home alone. The temperature is over 100. He is sitting on his couch, staring at the empty beer bottle on the coffee table. That was his last beer. He feels okay right then, but knows that in 10 minutes the beer lust will be biting again. What to do?
Suddenly the doorbell rings. Mike opens the door, and a cute young naked blonde stands there, smiling at him. Mike immediately notices that behind her are (quick count) 12 cases of Deschutes Mirror Pond Pale Ale.
The naked blonde points to the beer, while still smiling, and says that she is with the Obama campaign, an ACORN volunteer wanting to know if Mike is registered to vote. If Mike can answer one question, all the beer (that’s ALL the beer) is his for free, thanks of Obama. What’s the question-- how many boobs does she have?
This is where the dream gets scary for Mike. The blonde has to repeat the question. Mike has been fixated on the cases of beer ever since he heard the words “Free Beer”. When he heard the words ‘Free Beer” he instantly understood why he had been born, he understood his purpose in life, he understood why he woke up that morning: he must figure out how many boobs the blonde has, and get the free beer.
So, Mike gives the naked blonde ACORN volunteer another quick look. How many boobs does she have--it would seem at first to be an easy answer: two. There’s one boob on his left with “Oba” written on it. Then on the other side of her chest there’s this other boob with “ma” written on it. That’s one boob named “Oba”, and one boob named “ma”. Mike quickly thought back to grade school: 1+1=2. Could the answer be that simple? Was he being tricked? There was only one way to find out. Mike looked the blonde square in the eyes and said “Two”. The blonde excitedly jumped up and down shaking her two boobs. Yes, Mike had answered correctly! The beer was his!
As the blonde walked down the sidewalk to the next house Mike excitedly carried the cases inside. Should he take each case first in to the living room, or all the way into the kitchen? No, the beer must be taken quickly into the living room, then when all the beer is SAFELY inside with the door closed and locked, and then he can move the cases at his leisure into the kitchen. He must first get them inside before the neighbor kids steal them off the porch.
With the cases all safely in the living room (and the front door locked) Mike did a quick check of the house, making sure all the doors and windows are locked, and that the neighbor kids are not hiding any where in the house. The neighborhood kids have, unfortunately, discovered that Mike keeps beer in his house. More than once Mike’s seen kids running down the street carrying his beer! So, now, with the house secured Mike can now sit down and enjoy his first free beer courtesy of Obama!
This is where the dream starts to get real scary. Mike goes to the drawer where he keeps his beer bottle openers, he opens the drawer, and it’s empty!! Mike looks at the label on the outside of the drawer: “Beer Bottle Openers”. Yes, he has the right drawer, but there are no openers!! Within 5 minutes Mike has ransacked the house, but cannot find any openers!
Mike starts to get that feeling, that feeling that life is scary, mean and empty. Then he starts to feel panic creeping in. Mike fights off the panic and forces himself to find an answer. Yes, that’s it: the convenience store 7 blocks away! He can buy an opener there!
Standing on the front porch Mike carefully locks the door, making very sure that it is locked. Then he warily looks around, to see if there is any sign of the neighbor kids. He doesn’t see them.
Running down the street Mike passed the blonde, standing on another porch. She was smiling and pointing at 12 cases of beer while a man standing in the open doorway stared at her boobs, while counting on his fingers. Mike waved at her and kept running.
Breathlessly he entered the store, and there, right on a rack by the cash register, are openers! Mike reached for his wallet to pay and---wait, his wallet wasn’t there. He had left his wallet at home! He can picture right where it is, on the kitchen table!
Again Mike ran down the sidewalk, this time toward his home. He unlocked the door, and rushed into the kitchen. “Hi, Mike!” It’s the two neighbor kids, Joe and Bill!
“Wow, great beer, Mike”, says Bill. “Yeah”, said Joe. And to Mike’s surprise they each hold in their right hand an open beer! There are also 14 empty beer bottles on the table, Deschutes Mirror Pond Pale Ale empties. They had snuck in like they usually do when Mike was gone, to drink his beer, but today he didn’t mind, because they had brought a bottle opener! “Quick,” said Mike picking up an unopened beer, “let me use your opener.”
Joe looked Mike in the eyes and said, “Not ever in a million years, go get your own opener”. Then Bill looked at Mike and said, “Yeah, me too”.
Mike was horrified. What should he do? If he stayed home he could prevent Joe and Bill from drinking anymore of his free Obama beer, but he can’t drink any. If he leaves to get an opener, Joe and Bill would have all the beer drunk before he got home. What could Mike do?
Don’t worry, this nightmare of a dream has a happy ending. Every time Mike has this dream he wakes up right at this point. And he finds himself alone in his house, in the living room, with 12 full cases of microbrew beer and a bottle opener. How, and why? Mike has never bothered to try and figure that out. Some things are better left alone.