Rat Wool Sweaters

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Rat Wool Sweaters—Thanks to Jack Lord!

The internet—next day air shipping—PayPal—all of these are just a few examples of innovations changing the definition of selling to your next door neighbor. Your literal next door neighbor might not want to buy what you sell. But you ‘internet, next day air shipping, PayPal neighbors? You bet, there’s lots of them—even if what you’re selling is sweaters made from rat hair, or ‘rat wool’—as my PR firm has advised I call it!

Yes, that’s right rat wool. Not cashmere, virgin sheep’s wool, or rayon. In the Western world rats are usually looked down at as low life scavenging germ spreaders only good for use in laboratories for testing drugs. In some SE Asian countries, however, rats are seen as symbols of prosperity and good luck. In those countries my rat wool sweaters are selling like hot cakes!

Okay, the market didn’t exist before me, I invented it. And, you may ask, ‘How much of a scam is this?’ Is he just taking laundry dryer lint and making sweaters, and calling that ‘genuine 100% virgin rat wool’? No, I guarantee we use genuine 100% rat hair. This is how the process works.

First I hand-wash each rat. I got 500 out in the meadow behind the barn. I imported black rock cobras from Northern India to protect my rat herd from predators. I even put up microphones and loud speakers so the snake hissing rattles all over the meadow. I turn the volume up real loud! You bet that keeps predators, human and otherwise away from my rat herd.

Then, before the rat dries too quickly, I strap the rat into a special custom clothes dryer. Inside the drying chamber tiny, tiny replicas of airline seats have been bolted down. Me and my assistants quickly fill the seats with wet rats. Then we set the dryer to run for 20 minutes. Don’t worry about the rats getting too hot. We’ve figured out that piping in a recording of Jack Lord singing “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” into the dryer negates the effects of the heat on the rats.

After 20 minutes the beeper sounds and the dryer stops. The rats are smart enough to figure out how to get out of the seat straps, so all you have to do is leave the dryer door open. Once out the rats rush back to the feed barn where they know a big dish of watermelon washed in their favorite merlot wait.

While the rats are unbuckling, I’m busy with the laundry lint trap. The trap collects the rat hair. Weaving the hair is easy, using the George Forman Rodent Hair sweater grill adapter that can be used with his burger grill.

Then I take pics and put them up on the website. So far, so good—they’ve been selling great!