"50/50 Jimmy"

“50/50 Jimmy”

Me and my TV’s have been sitting here in the living room munching and drinking our way through 5 gigantic Sam’s Club uber-sized cans of tomato paste and 5 cases of IPA beer, both the St. Richard Nixon brand, while watching a tape of a bizarre Ukrainian TV commercial. No, your local Sam’s Club doesn’t carry St. Richard Nixon brand, not tomato paste, beer or any product. My friends, the red-haired Republican alien space babes, they dropped off the St. Richard Nixon tomato paste and beer. If it’s good enough for the space babes, it’s good enough for me. And the babes are the ones who turned me on to Ukrainian pirate, stealth internet TV: well, sort of the ones.

Actually, it was my landlords who introduced me to the channel, but the space babes were in the grocery store’s back room at the time, and they are the ones who explained the Ukrainian TV channel to me. Before we talk about the TV channel, though, I suppose I need to talk about my landlord.

Have I mentioned that I rent my house, not that I can’t afford to buy, but that I prefer to rent, incase things get hot and I need to move at a moments notice? Well, I do, and after one quick departure I ended up in the next town, met these 3 red-haired women who own an Eastern European grocery store—and had a house next door to rent. The women, a mother and 2 daughters, live in the upstairs part of the grocery store building.

These women are used to living ‘under the radar and off the books’ which helps me live ‘under the radar and off the books’ which has helped me stay at this location much longer than usual. In fact, the red-haired women tell me they can make sure I never have to move in the middle of the night again, out of fear for the FBI and such kinds of folks. How could they make such a promise? They knew the space babes, and got me in touch with them. They met the space babes one night at Trout Lake, Washington, where there are nightly UFO visits. Once I became friends with the space babes, well let’s say the FBI and their kind are no match for the space babes.

This brings us back to the TV channel and this strange commercial. The space babes just love the commercial, and gave me a tape of it. Here I’ll play it for you:

A voice over runs as the fancy European dressed male lawyer talks amusingly with two clients in his office. This is what the voice over said:
“Can you afford to eat out at a fancy restaurant every night? Neither could I until a lawyer, Bohdan “50/50 Jimmy” Cheburko, helped me. How did he do it?”

On the screen we now see Jimmy talking with a group of friendly looking old grandmothers. The women and Jimmy are laughing and having a good time. The voice-over continues.

“Jimmy can arrange to have one of his stable of ‘grandmothers’ sue you, and take everything you’ve got. Then Jimmy will split it with you “50/50”. That’s half for you, and half for Jimmy! That’s right—50/50! And your money problems will be over for ever!”

On the screen we now see only Jimmy. He is laughing and looking off toward one of the grandmothers. Then, he turns and looks directly into the camera.

“That’s right, let me “50/50 Jimmy” Cheburko, sue you for everything you’ve got and then I’ll split it with you “50/50”, and you’ll never have to worry about money ever again!”

On the screen we again see a wide shot of Jimmy and the grandmothers, still laughing. Jimmy’s phone number flashes on the screen. Then the commercial is over.

I know what you’re thinking—‘This is obviously a scam’. Before Jimmy sues you, you own 100% of what you own. After Jimmy gets done with you, well, you only own 50% of what you owned. The space babes, however, tell me they use Jimmy’s services after every shady business maneuver they pull off. And the space babes are very happy with Jimmy’s work.

I hear a knock on the door. I can tell by the knocking that it’s the red-haired women, both on-planet and off-planet women, and they are in a party mood. They’re going to come in, see the commercial and rave about Jimmy. I still think Jimmy is pulling a scam, but haven’t been able to convince the women. What do you think about Jimmy’s deal?