No More Shark Alerts!

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No More Shark Alerts!

“California is sinking into the ocean!”---I know you beergirls and beerboys out there have heard that dire prediction over the years. This prediction of calamity had been coming from earthquake prophets—until the last few years. Then these predictions became metaphorical, with predictions that ‘financially’ California would ‘fall into the ocean’ and be lost forever. Guess what, though? It looks like the ocean will actually save California from ‘financially falling into the ocean’.
The solution? Well, it has to do with protecting an endangered species—in exchange for 5-6 billion a year in new tax revenues! The deal came about through wheeling and dealing by politicians.
You want the details, do you? Well, the details might be alarming to some folks, so first lets do some more background discussion, before we flesh out this endangered species debate here.
So, let’s get back to the fact this political deal making will bring in absolutely billions and billions of dollars (that’s US dollars) to the California economy. This means that California will not have to decide between fiscal responsibility and axing aid to the California Democrat party’s long list of welfare recipients. As an example, it means that San Francisco can be allowed to remain part of California, and not have to physically be cut free and cast adrift like an iceberg, to fend financially for itself.
And, okay, this might mean that we conservatives will have to give a little. Give a little on something that would normally make us cringe. That’s why I’ve been building up gently to the specifics on this deal making.
And this deal was conceived by Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, a geniune Republican.
The main problem Arnold and California have had in trying to reach a balanced budget was trying to keep the environmental fringe, the eco-wackos, happy. There were plenty of ways to balance the budget if the eco-wackos would just play ball. A prime example of this was increasing oil production off the California coast. The eco-wackos had fought savagely to stop this. And what a shame, because the extra tax monies from this oil production increase could pay for all of California’s naughty financial excesses. Was there a way out of this predicament?
So, okay, dear reader, you keep wanting ‘details’about this endangered species stuff, please be patient—first I want to describe the benefits from Arnold’s brainstorm, that led to this deal that has saved California. What is it that Arnold cooked up to convince the eco-wackos it would be okay to let off shore oil drilling go on off California?
Well, here’s what. What Arnold came up with will give complete ‘cradle to grave’ care for all aliens in California, both aliens born on Earth and off-planet. The off-planet inclusion is important, because how else can the insanity of San Francisco be explained except as having originated in another time-galaxy?
Okay, I just heard a complaint about my calling Arnold a ‘genuine Republican’. Look, folks, do you really think a man as sharp as Arnold didn’t understand how crazy Maria Shriver was? Did he really not understand how crazy a woman she was, as demonstrated during her fawning interview of Siegfried and Roy? Of course not—Arnold married her because of how crazy she was. He wanted to live in close proximity to such a crazy lefty, to learn how they really think.
And this is what Arnold dreamed up, one night not long ago, after his eco-wacko wife had gone to bed, and Arnold was left with his cigars and brandy. Let me give you a hint about what Arnold thought up while staring at that cigar smoke:
“All of Northern California will be converted into a sanctuary for endangered strains of cannabis, and San Francisco high class culinary chefs. Disney will take over the day-to-day operations of Northern California.”
This wasn’t the end, however. As Arnold sat in his den, the cigar smoke dissipating from fully formed clouds into haze, the rest of his plan mentally materialized.
“Mt. Shasta would be declared a sanctuary for that highly endangered bird, the NBC Peacock. Pixar would be given the job of maintaining this sanctuary.”
Arnold knew all this, however, wasn’t quite enough to satisfy the eco-wackos. He crept up to the bedroom, and watched Maria as she slept. What else would make her kind happy, Arnold wondered? He blew cigar smoke over her face, and watched her nose twitch. Then it struck him, yes, he had the answer, but, boy would it make his fellow extreme right wing Republicans mad!
What was this issue? Okay, now I’ll discuss it. It’s this final issue that I knew you conservatives would find most objectionable---Shark alerts along the California coast will be banned!
That’s right, as of yesterday when Arnold signed into law the Oil Money For Sharks And All The Other Stuff The Eco-Wackos Want bill, there will no longer be any shark alerts for California coastal communities. Why?
It turns out that a major food supply for the endangered sharks are human swimmers and surfers. When the news media warn people of sharks in a coastal area this was keeping people out of the ocean. And keeping people out of the ocean was keeping food out of the water--food for sharks.
As Arnold has discovered from hanging out at eco-wacko parties thrown by his wife’s friends, this Food For Sharks issue was so important to the eco-wackos that if the shark alerts were stopped, the eco-wackos would stop their opposition to more off-shore oil drilling.
So, now that the Oil Money For Sharks And All The Other Stuff The Eco-Wackos Want bill has been signed, and off-shore oil drilling can boom unchecked, California is financially solvent! But, is everyone happy? NO! Those right wing nuts, Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh, immediately jumped in and opened their big mouths! “No more shark alerts!?!”, blurted out Coulter and Limbaugh, today through their various media outlets, “What do you mean no more shark alerts?”
So, will Coulter and Limbaugh screw up this solution to all of California’s money troubles? We, here at this blog hope not. But, we’ll have to wait and see!